


Another Forever (not meant to be)

by unkahii



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, F/M, Failed Relationship, i destroyed my heart writing this lmao ;_;, mildly suggestive at places, pretty raw too, sort of a songfic too, unable to move on, very very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27320809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unkahii/pseuds/unkahii
Summary: — It’s just the shell of what was that lives in your heart now. Even the ghosts have wrinkled, but you cannot let them go. After all, these ghosts are a part of you, right?
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Reader
Kudos: 14





	Another Forever (not meant to be)

**Author's Note:**

> song: dancing with your ghost by Sasha Sloan

You never imagined, nor did anybody else. But when it came to be, it was electric. A passion so furious that it oozed out in the looks you gave each other, wafted off the motion of your fingers pulling onto his dark black hair as if in an effort of tethering yourself to reality. But it’s hard right? When you’re in so much love, not being carried away is hard right?

Fresh faced and just out of high school, eyes brimming with bright dreams you had sat down on the shinkansen and left for the nation’s capital, carrying a trolley full of excitement and a heart that was beating rapidly because of a mixture of anxiety and anticipation. One month into college, and soon you realised that the issues that plagued you throughout your school life had carried over.

Parties came and went, but at the end of each trip to the local izakaya, the walk back to your cold and damp hired apartment would be abysmally lonely. _Alone._ Not really devoid of friends but lacking a single soul that you could call at two in the morning had some emergency happened to come by. _Empty._ While your batchmates spoke of their best friend they had to leave back at home with a strange nostalgia and longing that would always feel _so alien_ and _queer_ to you, that no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t dig up a single instance that would allow you to relate to them. _The slightest pinch of envy that you would never admit feeling maybe._ Hitching the coat closer to your body, you told yourself with the familiar fake bravado, that it would be alright.

Something was more difficult that evening however. Now that you think back, it’s all a bokeh-effect blur created by the many lights of night time Tokyo—the early Christmas decorations on the streets, the fairy-lights that looked so so blurred to you at that time too. Whatever it was, it forced you to place your half-drunk body on a seat by the busy street to watch the cars speed by. Here you were, stuck at an unknown place, your head buzzing with alcohol and melancholy, without a single trustworthy person’s name in your contacts. Must be something pretty frightening right? Whether it was the weight that was sitting on your chest, or the throbbing at the sides of your temple, the night had rendered you immune to fear.

And then you saw him.

Calling him an acquaintance would be too much of a stretch, for you only remembered his face when your ex-classmates had pointed his figure, standing by the vending machine, out as the genius setter or _something_ of the volleyball club. Someone who was probably one of the reasons that the team had been carried to the nationals. Nothing to interest you particularly, so the face faded from your active thoughts despite being stopped at the door to the class countless times because you had ended up blocking each other’s ways accidently. You let the other pass. The end of the encounter.

Now, to your intoxicated brain he looked like your best friend. Soulmate even.

What you had never imagined was your hand weaving into his three months later. Superstar volleyball genius. You suddenly knew all the positions and rules in volleyball by heart. And when you met your ex-classmates in a get together further six months on and told them, all flushed and giddy, that you were dating Karasuno’s setter, gushing they let you know that they couldn’t have imagined it either! _“Now that you think about it, I think you guys are pretty compatible too!”_

And so you believed in too. Deluded yourself into thinking that true love could be found so easily.

(That somewhere in the world someone is meant just for you and maybe you had found him)

.

.

Slow burn. You trusted that because it was a slow burn it was assured the absence of an expiry date stamped onto it. _Wrong._ _Very very wrong._

Blindly you claw away at the heap of memories and shelved feelings, searching for the story of growth that you made yourself forgot eventually. Maybe it’s your brain’s defence mechanism from feeling more hurt, from preventing happy, ‘just fine’ days suddenly melting into a frozen sense of brokenness—the happy memories are there, you know, yet you don’t know where. But at this point in time, sitting at the bustling airport, all ready to board the flight back home to Sendai, you cannot find the memories. The cabinet you open in the hope of finding forgotten skeletons is surprisingly filled with nothing but meaningless fog.

_What do you call this even?_

A line in a book of poetry. A fading lyric that plays out from a car’s music system. Couples truly in love. You being unable to love. Fear. Sadness. Anger. And Why’s. Plentiful Why’s.

_Did you ever give a damn about me?_

_Did you ever care?_

You tried to make yourself believe that he did. In your own stupid schoolgirlish way, jumped into the fall awaiting you, and then lost yourself. Loving caring, what not? But now that you are rummaging in the room of memories in your head, what do you find? Literal emptiness. Absence.

_Because I never really mattered to you. Other things did. But not me._

_“Good ol’ L/n Y/n, who is so madly in love with her pro volleyball player boyfriend. Pro-volleyball player, already an Olympian, Kageyama Tobio, who’s head over heels in love with his girlfriend. They are made for each other. They have survived so many blows. Look at how they end up returning back to each other at the end of the day. Just look! You don’t need a lot to tell that they are meant to be.”_

Numbly you scroll through your phone, skimming over the texts. You should be deleting this conversation too, just like every other conversation you’ve ever shared with him. But maybe you’ll let the uneasy galloping of your heart calm down first.

_I love you, Y/n._

.

Why?

.

**How do I love? How do I love again?**

**How do I trust? How do I trust again?**

.

.

.

He was stable. Grounded, despite reaching up to touch the skies. His nature was much like a majestic mountain. Tall, athletic, dark-haired and possessing those startling blue eyes. In so many mornings you woke up to the calm pools of blue fixated on your form, and went to sleep, with the last thought being of Tobio’s eyes. He was plain amazing in your gaze, as he was in the eyes of the world—there was that burning love for volleyball, that simplicity that you fell for over and over again.

The assurances that slipped out of his mouth could turn the day upside down for you; force the sun to make a return to the sky on a day where it had already gone down: he made your gloomy days brighter in a way even he couldn’t guess. And unlike the lofty, cloud-like feeling that one’s supposed to feel while in love, you felt calm. And that’s the second thing that made you realise this was actually love, and not some teenage crush.

The _first thing_ was the feeling of knife stabs that seemed to run through your being every time you found him drifting into some sad sad daydream. Watched as his shoulders hunched down, and his head hung back. Mind travelling away to a land of past hurts, that you of course yet didn’t have the right to visit with him.

When you asked him what’s wrong, and reassured him that you’d always be there to listen on, you were either met with replies of silence, or a reminder that it wasn’t your business.

But that didn’t lessen the screaming in your own chest though. You just wished you could heal all his pain, erase all his scars away. But that would only be if he showed them to you, and the tales of the wars they braved not told to you by third parties and strangers.

Wish he could tell you a little more though. Wish. You could love him a little more.

.

For now, you had a shoulder to lean on—there was that comforting warmth that was so very addicting. That peace in his presence, the quiet happiness, and blooming of flowers in your chest. It was like nothing you had ever felt. Electricity and honey at the same time. The first time you kissed him, it felt stupendously weird. Later on, full of hesitation, he asked you, if that was the right way to go about it. _Funny._ You loved him and he loved you. End of story, an expected happily ever after.

Had not the absences grown. Had not the good time slipped from your fingertips like sand in an hourglass rushes down to take its place among ghosts of particles that would never return back.

_I love you._

.

Me too

.

**I stay up all night**

**Tell myself I’m alright**

**Baby, you’re just harder to see than most**

.

.

The first thing you notice about him is his hairstyle—it has changed! Gosh…and you spent such a long time trying to make peace with that centre parted thing. But he looks handsome now too. So very much. And suddenly, you remember something very distinct. A single broken shard of a glass painting – you still remembered the kisses.

You miss those kisses out of the blue.

“I’m sorry for the way I treated you,” Kageyama tells solemnly. You have to take a moment to consider your words before replying.

“It’s okay.”

_I’m still scared of falling in love although._

“I wish it hadn’t gone that way…you…truly were something else.”

Heat rises up your face. What’s the meaning of all these now? What’s the meaning of voicing out regrets?! It’s over! Please don’t dig up skeletons when you prefer that they remain locked up inside their designated chambers.

“Yeah, it got messed up. Some things are never meant to be you know,” you say lightly, trying to mask up the emotions threatening to spill out all over the busy atmosphere of the airport’s entrance. And then in an effort to change the topic, you try steering the conversation into another lane. “So, how’s everything going?! How is Italy?”

And he looks at you, face painted with pain, such that your upbeat tone immediately falters. You want to scream, but you cannot. Do you have anyone else to blame other than yourself? Can you really blame anyone else?

.

“Why do you take so much upon your shoulders at once?” he questioned you, as you pulled the break to the car inside your garage. “Just…stop that sometimes.”

Slowly you turned your head, not really knowing what to say. “I can’t,” you answered simply. “See, I love you okay?”

.

_Maybe I should have spoken up earlier. The communication was amiss. But then again, when did we even have the time to speak?_

.

“You’re going again?”

“Yes.”

Silence. Wish he didn’t.

“All the best,” you said as you put your arms around Tobio’s shoulder.

.

.

**Yellin’ at the sky**

**Screamin’ at the world**

**Baby, why’d you go away?**

**I’m still your girl.**

.

.

The light from your laptop’s screen that burns into your retinas, takes you back to moments that refuse to leave your heart. Like the lifeless silence that resided almost permanently inside the four walls of your shared apartment with Kageyama. The lingering smell (a pleasant mixture of that cologne you had got him and laundry detergent) from his shirts even seemed to vanish faster as time sped on. _Match after match._ You loved his fiery passion the most. _Cancelled dates after cancelled dates. No texts no calls_. You had to be understanding, understand that this was the part of it. Yes, you did try telling him once or twice, but the replies were the same as ever.

“What I do is important to me, ok? I have a busy life.”

You knew he did. “But just a text or call won’t hurt you right? How long does it take?”

“It’s hard talking to you when we are so far apart. I…it’s difficult, why don’t get it?”

Yes, you do get it. It’s so hard for you too.

_But it’s harder like this I think._

Days dawdled on. You dragged yourself from one week to the next. Eventually over time, crying yourself to sleep became a routine, bursting out in tears in between the most mundane of things became way too common. It’s too much, some say. And you couldn’t agree more

You tried to make yourself believe, with every new day that started, that he actually cared. But you found no sign that he did. The days turned more and more dreadful. You found nothing to clutch on to.

The cycle repeated itself

.

.

Unlike him, your love was like fire. There was just something about you that he cannot bring himself to forget. Regrets swell up inside his heart one by one and take the form of enormous blisters that coat his raw insides. Yes, he messed it up on his own, what can he even say? He expected you’d understand; you didn’t. Not all forevers are meant to be. Not all promises are kept.

You didn’t keep yours.

The feel of his lips upon yours are unforgettable. The sloppy, awkward ones, that transformed into passion addicted battles between your tongues. The frenzied movement of your hands as they tried to map every inch of his body. The surprise hitch, with which you would pull Tobio’s collar close, and press your lips upon his, in the hungriest, maddest possible kiss. The hands that previously, stayed stiffly on your waist beginning to wander. Explore your sides, roam onto the skin of your stomach, and pull you closer roughly into his sturdy frame till your forms were glued to each other. Mouths strayed from the lips down to the neck, nibbling at the base of the neck and then the teeth clamping down greedily upon the skin of the collar.

His skin littered with love bites. The aches of pleasure vibrating through your veins. The one time you had sneaked out of a party. The furious meeting of your mouths post a game that had been won. He’s your king, that’s what you told him, you’d like to love him forever.

.

**I stay up all night**

**Tell myself I’m alright**

**.**

He was never there. No matter how hard you longed him to be there. That was the truth – the faster you accepted it, the better.

Accept that few things are not meant to work out. That _this_ was not meant to work out.

.

.

“I’m sorry. The problem is not with you, but with me. I can’t put up with all this. I’m done,” you recited mechanically, staring straight ahead at the cottony clouds that filled up the blue sky. The weather had started to grow cold, the breeze carrying the advice to the world to bring out the warmer clothes and get ready to huddle up closer inside blankets.

“I thought you’d understand. You said you’d stay,” Tobio said, distress in his eyes ad voice.

“I can’t pull this further. Just…let me go. I can’t carry this further.”

“Do…don’t tell me you don’t love me now.”

You didn’t dare look at his eyes initially, afraid that the truth spilled out. If you let that truth out now, you feared that as simple and passionate he was, he wouldn’t be able to let go at the back of his mind. When you refused to respond to him, he however grabbed your wrist urgently, adding in a sharp tone—

“Look at me, do you still love me or not?”

And so you met his gaze.

“I don’t,” you lied, because inside, you knew that he wasn’t the one who would be able to read the lie in your eyes.

A second passed. Kageyama dropped your hand before turning away himself. Thank goodness, he wasn’t able to tell your lie apart.

.

**Never got the chance**

**To say a last goodbye**

**I gotta move on**

**But it hurts to try**

.

_“I love you, Tobio.”_

.

.

.

.

Your room’s dark as usual. The house is devoid of human presence, thanks to the fact that your parents have gone out to take care of some business or the other. So, it leaves you all by yourself, accompanied only by the tsunami of heavy and depressed emotions that are surging back into your being. Your being composed of your heart and mind and the body that had experienced Kageyama Tobio’s love and whose cells still have the memory of his touch burnt into them. Although, your brain is again reeling, your heart is about to burst, you silently make yourself a strong cup of coffee and switch the music on and put the volume on high.

The fog is replacing the concrete images in your brain. The feelings that you have never been able to explain, are giving way to the familiar emotion that precedes another round of weeping as usual. But you’ve noticed this…as more days pass, and the longer time the memories of heartbreak, hurt and most importantly disappointed and broken expectations spend locked up inside that cabinet you’ve stowed away into the cellar of your heart, the more difficult it becomes to find the tears that would bring you catharsis. They don’t come. Only a sensation of numbness and tiredness carries over and you wash that away with the caffeine clutched in your hand. Try to forget, not the good memories, but the fear of falling in love that has been born in your chest.

_Look what you’ve done to me, Tobio._

It’s just the shell of what was that lives in your heart now. Even the ghosts have wrinkled, but you cannot let them go. After all, these ghosts are a part of you. How can you forget what happened? How can you forget, how he asked you, with a lot of hesitation, _if that was the right way to kiss someone_. You let your head fall back, down the rest of the coffee, till only the dregs remain at the bottom, let the music play on and on.

What’s so special? At the end it’s just another love story that failed right?

.

**I put the record on**

**Wait ‘til I hear our song**

**Every night I’m dancing with your ghost**

**Author's Note:**

> crossposted on unkahee.tumblr.com


End file.
